It's 7am when her alarm goes off, and while the duvet cover and throw pillows have changed almost as many times as the boyfriend sleeping next to her has over the years, one thing remains a comforting constant: the jar of coconut oil placed within arm's reach from her bed.
For the next 20 minutes she'll swish a heavy-handed tablespoon (she doesn't measure anymore) around in her mouth as she slowly gains the energy to leave the warmth of her bed for the shower. Behold: the magical powers of oil-pulling. She hasn't had a hangover in years. Really!
With her mind, body, and soul now rid of a nighttime's worth of toxins, she enjoys a moment of clarity and reflection. It all began the same way most expensive life-changing wellness journeys do: with a goop article.
From soft skin to a whiter smile, coconut oil became her secret weapon in appearing more attractive. And, while she doesn't have the actual photographic evidence to prove it, she's confident that her insides are absolutely beautiful!
Clean and freshly exfoliated (courtesy of the DIY scrub she made from organic cane sugar and, you guessed it, coconut oil), she steps out of the shower ready to take on the day. Her beauty ritual begins by coating every inch of her body with her beloved oil. While it's not as sensual as the more romantic massages she's received that involved the coco, she makes a point of taking her time and treating herself to a moisturizing routine with "purpose."
Her hair also gets the royal coconut treatment after she combs through any tangles. Sure, she'd tried Argan oil in the past, but it just didn't feel right. She gave the bottle away to a friend and promised to never stray again. That moment of infidelity still haunts her.
Once again, her elaborate routine has made her late, but she has to feed Coconut, her mini goldendoodle, before the two of them head out for the day. Coconut's skin has been dry, so she drops a spoonful of the dog's namesake oil to her organic, grain-free food.
She picks up a small coffee (black, $3.95) before walking into the office. At her desk, she pulls out her "work jar" of coconut oil so she can stir some into her dark roast. It's like Bulletproof coffee, but totally paleo.
When she runs into Rebecca from HR, who just returned from a weekend at the beach and is wincing every time something touches her sunburnt shoulders, she runs to grab the coconut oil from her drawer. "Here," she says to Rebecca, handing her the jar. "It will soothe your skin and heal the burn in no time. Trust me."
For lunch she chews on one of the no-bake coconut granola bars she makes in a batch every Sunday. This week she made them with macadamia nuts, dates, and just a little Vermont maple syrup that she brought back when she visited her college roommate in Burlington. YUM.
Her day is made when her boss, who is like, the coolest boss ever, compliments her "perfectly dewy" makeup. A little coconut oil on the cheekbones and eyelids goes a very long way.
That evening, she stops at Whole Foods to pick up some shrimp for dinner. It's definitely a coconut shrimp kind of night, and she still has all the other ingredients at home. But, as usual, she gets side-tracked when she wanders down a tempting aisle, and ends up buying a box of vegan and paleo-friendly coconut cookies. $6 for 8 cookies just seemed like such a good deal!
At home, she grabs a coconut water from the fridge to sip on while she cooks. She really keeps them on hand to replenish her electrolytes after a tough gym session, but she knows she's going to work up a sweat making this meal, and she's mostly been going to Restorative Yoga classes lately anyway.
Before bed, she rubs coconut oil onto her face to remove her makeup. Nothing works better for getting waterproof mascara off. She uses an expensive night cream after cleansing and applying all her serums, but she notices that she's getting some flakes in dry spots, so she adds a little coconut oil too.
After debating what to watch next on Netflix, she remembers the cookies she bought, and immediately tears into the box. They kind of taste like Stevia-flavored cardboard. She eats three and feeds one to Coconut.
The show she picked is boring so far, so she scrolls through Instagram and examines her split ends, making a mental note to do a hair mask tomorrow. She always mixes coconut oil, olive oil, honey, and an egg, and gets amazing results.
It's getting late, and she read somewhere that Gwyneth Paltrow is in bed by 9, so she grabs Coconut, puts on her silk sleeping mask, and turns off the lights. Maybe she'll get up early tomorrow to go to a Barre class. If she sets her alarm for 5, she'll even have enough time to make some coconut oil scrambled eggs for breakfast.
The next morning, she stays in bed until 8. Coconut oil is probably also a really effective sleep aid, right?